he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
Ya apperently its not "appropriate" to fuck in the school auditorium
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
Randomize
