i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
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