Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
