I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
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You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
Randomize