I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
