Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
It’s A Miracle These 21 Promiscuous People Don’t Have STDs
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
These 27 Infuriatingly Annoying Habits Will Ruin Your Day
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.