He saved me in his phone as Easy Jen. Should I be offended?
I wouldn't worry about it. He has me as "Sex Puppet."
If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
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I feel like we're taking advantage of the fact that our R.A has cerebal palsey.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
The 23 Most Inappropriate Things To Happen At A Funeral
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"