i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age