Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
