Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
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To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
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The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast