My sheets look like a crime scene.
It's just you. You wear the fuck me fedora and wear baller shorts, hollywood hippie who thinks she is shakira when she's drunk.
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Randomize
