You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
Stories. There's stories.
MEGHAN YOU'VE BEEN THERE FOR 20 MINUTES
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
Randomize
