i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
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