Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
