i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
Randomize
