dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
i just ran butt naked down the hall and someone highfived me. i love college.
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