I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
I love random hookups in covid sex. Usually girls think me about a one and a half to a two and a half but now that I got this mask on I'm a Solid 6.
Randomize
