Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
I would have done it. But then again I am a starving student who can manipulate my brain into thinking my decision was somehow morally justifiable.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
Randomize
