literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
Randomize
