So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
Randomize
