if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
Randomize
