you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
My butt remains clenched, sir.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
Randomize
