i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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