Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
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