She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Randomize
