Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
Randomize
