If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
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