And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Randomize
