my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
Randomize
