I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
Randomize
