I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
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