I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Randomize
