it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
Randomize
