The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
Randomize
