Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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