i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
