Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
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