I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
Good face, no body. And apparently her vagina is related to chewbaca.
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
Randomize
