When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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