omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
youre always welcome to strip dance on tables with me Mag. what are friends for.
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
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