i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
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