I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
29 Petty People Reveal The Shallow Reasons They Turned Someone Down
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
21 Horribly Evil Pranks To Play On Your Drunk Friends
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?