Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
We're doing a case race on Saturday.
I'm in. I'm currently drinking a beer in the bathtub so I guess I can consider this "practice" and not just "alcoholism"
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.