Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
Randomize
