I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Randomize
