I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Randomize
