Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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