i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
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