meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
These People Made Expensive Mistakes That They’ll Regret Forever
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
Things The Opposite Sex Just Doesn’t Understand
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"