Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
