pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
so let's talk penis.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
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