Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
ttyl tear gas
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.