we might have left him a semi topless video on his wall. godd i just hope they suspend my accont so i stop doing thses things.....
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
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While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
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We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable