i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
So vagazzling was a success
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Randomize
