I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
Randomize
