woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
My spanish teacher discovered you can watch spanish music videos on youtube. Guess what were doing in class today? Michael Scott Spanish 101
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
Randomize
