You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
just as he was about to cum he started shouting "I THINK I CAN! I THINK I CAN!" over and over again.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize
