Turns out you're obligated under man law to share any passwords you may have for porno sites
Is that what they're teaching u at that bar review class?
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
Randomize
