You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Randomize
