I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
Randomize
