I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
That 2-CB was ass.
You mean the asprin cut with pez?
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